the ricotta sweet snacks recommended by the south beach diet book are GROSS! i just made one with vanilla extract, splenda, and cinnamon. low fat ricotta sort of has a weird gritty texture. it wasn't very good. i regret eating it. if i'm up on the scale tomorrow i'm going to blame that nasty concoction. well . . . maybe i will try another concoction, but regardless its not going to lose the gritty texture. blech.

i can't get over my meanness sometimes. i feel bad about it at least . . . i mean, i'm conscious of the fact that i'm mean. thats a step, right? i had just gotten done working out at the gym tonight and i was trying to walk out. there was this pretty blonde girl with some sort of poster board that you HAD to walk past in order to get out of there. she was there when i walked in and there when i left - it must be a pretty shitty job, you know? i don't even know what she was promoting. . . anyhow, she stopped me on my way out and asked if i had a good work out. then she asked if i knew about whatever was on the poster board - but before she could finish her thought she was distracted by my KEXP sweatshirt. and she was like "oh you listen to ke . .kexp . .k - e - x - p?" (sort of stuttering like). and in my head i was thinking "what a dumb question. why would i wear the sweatshirt if i didn't listen to the station? its not like i would run around town in a damn KISS 106 sweatshirt. ugh." so i kind of rolled my eyes and gave the poor girl with the shitty job smart ass "of course i do. i had to donate to get this sweatshirt. its my $250 hoody." i was so bitchy about it though. and then she said something to the effect of "well, its more interesting to talk about than what i'm selling." then i started to walk away as i said "rought night, huh" i just felt bad about it. its been bugging me ever since. i didn't have to be a bitch. oh well. too late now. live and learn, right?

on that note, i weighed 131 today! yay! another half pound down! i'm feeling uber motivated lately. i even got invited to an xmas party for tomorrow at some yacht club or something, and i turned it down! i am going to stick to this damn south beach diet if it kills me!

ok. so my plan tonight: write back some boys on match. i really don't want to. writing people on match is not nearly as fun when you are sober.

its only been like a year and a half. i'm not sure why i decided to get online and journal again. i just sort of felt like it. maybe its because i'm "dieting" again for the first time in ages . . . or maybe because i'm sober for the first time in ages. who knows.

anyhow, my weight got up to 134.5 and i snapped. not only is it high, but i'm carrying it differently. i'm not working out nearly as much as i used to be, which probably contributes to that. i tore my ACL last winter, and remotivating to run has not been easy. the most i've ran since my injury is 4 miles. sad. my body can do it- i just lost the drive. so then i find myself feeling old, lonely, and fat and i decided something had to be done. so i'm on the South Beach diet. its rough, man. i'm a boozer, and i LOVE to go out. right now all of my friends are having a dinner party and i'm at home. i didn't want to be tempted with carbs and wine . . . anyhow, i'm on day 5 and this morning i weighed 131.5!! 4 pounds in 5 days is not bad at all . . . and i really don't feel hungry at all. mostly i just crave crave crave those vietnamese sandwiches on the baguette, and WINE. oh wine. . . this is intense. i think this is the longest i've gone without wine in years.

so in other news, i've been dating online unsuccessfully since April. the first dude i met i really liked a lot . . . we dated for a couple of months and then he dumped me on my ass. since then there has been no one. two booty calls with an old standby. thats it. it makes me sad, but i've come to realize it has everything to do with me, and not the men . . . although i like to blame them. bed bug doug . . .F5 . . . whoever. i don't know what i want, and i'm not happy with myself - so how can i ever be happy with anyone else? now i've become so jaded that i don't allow anyone to get close to me. i push everyone away except for my closest friends. anyhow, i've always had a horrible mix of thinking i'm better than everyone else, but at the same time really hating myself. that is not a good mix - and it definitely doesn't add any points with the boyfriends. so i don't know . . .

well, in the end, now i know why i'm journaling again. i really need to look more closely at the daily events in my life. i need to think about them more critically. i need to see it in black and white. i can't live like this for another 30 years. i really just want to be happy, in love, content, and satisfied with my life. how journaling will help me with that, i'm not sure, but somehow i think its a step.

so this is day 1:

i've been having insomnia since i stopped drinking. not even valerian helps. i'm so tired all day but when i turn off the light my mind won't turn off. i start getting paranoid about stupid crap like if i'm going to be scheduled to work on xmas eve and things i said at a happy hour to coworkers 3 weeks ago. so i toss and i turn until past midnight. its frustrating. i was still dreaming when my alarm went off at 5:30. i hit snooze until 6:15 or so and then finally got up to pound some coffee. i was happy to see 131.5 on the scale, so that perked me up a bit.

work is boring. i'm still doing the same crap i've been doing for years. i'm in a rut and i need out - but its a bit difficult in this economy. seattle has been hit really hard lately so for the time being i'm trying to be grateful i still have a job at all.

so my homies are having wine and yummy foods tonight. i went to the gym after work and then went to the store to pick up a few groceries and materials to make a dream board thing (as seen on Oprah!). FUN! what an exciting life i'm leading at the moment. the way i'm seeing it though- is i'm just hibernating temporarily . its like i'm in a cocoon, and when i'm done with this period , i'll come out a beautiful butterfly ready to take on the world again.

on that note, i'm going eat a sugar free fudgecicle (sp?) and start flipping through magazines for the said "dream board project."

ciao.

soooooo . . . . after another fab week o' love with F5 (renamed this becuase he's like a fucking tornado that touchs down, creates mass destruction, and then takes off again) he has left the building again.

friday he emailed me to see if i wanted to make plans for the weekend. i responded that i'd like to make plans, and was free saturday or sunday. fast forward to saturday night, i still haven't heard from him. so i send him a text asking what the deal is . . . no response. i send another text saying that 'a lack of interest in making advance plans shows a lack of interest in the person.' no response. i send an email saying that i wasn't down with what was happening. it feels bad when people can't plan in advance with you because it feels like they are waiting for another offer. no response. then yesterday the shit hit the fan when i got extremely intoxicated with melissa and christine. christine left, melissa took it upon herself to call him. what? yes. she called F5. i don't know what she said, and i actually think she doesn't remember. so then F5 and I have had a bit of email conversation about it all . . . um. he's gone. sad. :( i really like him, but he's got problems. basically me putting him on the spot about making plans was me getting too serious for him. what? yes.

so i'm very sad. i really wanted to talk to him in person about it all. but he won't.

its so bizarre to me that you can have such great chemistry with someone that in the end its what tears you apart. for me it makes me a bit overzealous. for him it scares him because he's too jaded for anything meaningful.

in the meantime, i'm too scared to weigh myself because i feel like a hippo right now. i feel like a hippo yet really want to go eat something bad for me . . . don't you hate that when it happens?

we're going out tonight! rah! i feel so much better now . . .

yeah, i've been bad lately. not journaling like i'd hoped i would. i just got really busy all of a sudden and priorities changed etc... i became uber stressed about seeing nick again and was drinking too much and going through many o' beauty treatments.

the grand conclusion to all this was last night. the peter, bjorn, and john concert. i didn't see him there but we were texting the whole time.

and the next thing you know, he's back at my condo with me. what?

enough said. i'm thinking it was a mistake. i haven't seen him in 8 weeks and all of a sudden i'm ready to jump into bed? for the love of god, woman . . . . get a grip.

um. it was worth it. physically speaking. emotionally? i don't think it was a healthy step for me. i'm already feeling my anxiety levels rising. freaking out over food. want to to self-destruct. i need something/someone stable, and this dude is not it. gah! damn. stupid stupid stupid . . . and now suddenly feeling desperate after finally feeling fabulous. ugh.

oh well. what is done is done. you can't change the past and you can't predict the future, so i'm going to have to chill out about it, right?

weighed 125 this morning (hadn't yet pooped though!). today i didn't eat good, but didn't eat bad either. i'm not sure what's going to happen tomorrow. i'm planning a good long run . . . i'm planning lunch with my cousin . . . i'm planning to focus on work. what else can you do to try to avoid boy drama distractions?

it's funny that after my run and best buy shopping trip, i really didn't feel like drinking all that much. but somehow drank a bottle of voigner. wha? and then myspace messaged my ex boyfriend from grad school. whhaaa?? crap. i almost myspace'd nick as well but somehow managed to wrangle myself in on that one . . .

in good news, i weighed 123.5 today! heck yes! i was so excited to see that number on the scale that i tried on my size 4 express pants (that previously gave me muffin tops) and they totally fit! hurrah!! after boot camp tonight i'm supposed to meet christine for burgers and beer . . . i don't even want it right now. i don't want to see the scale go back up!

okay. lots of work to do today. i'd better get focused.

whoa what a difference it makes to not be hungover at work. i have stayed off IM all day and have been working double time until now to make up for yesterday. and then i just started to get frustrated and irritated by everyone and everything, and decided i needed a livejournal break.

eating has been on track today! i weighed in at 126 this morning (without pooping), and i was okay with that. of course, i'd rather it be going down, but for somereason i'm getting a lot of compliments lately. so maybe 125/126 is good for me. i'd much rather be at 120/121 though. tonight after work i'm going running around greenlake.

i also get my reward for not acting pathetic for one full week - my new digital camera! i'm going to go to best buy after my run and shop for cameras and a dvd player. yay!!

what else is new in the last 24 hours. i had a brief email correspondence with nick and came very close to telling him his new myspace image is creepy. no seriously, it has totally changed since i met him in march. if he messaged me now, i probably wouldn't reply because his page reeeeks of desperation for female attention and/or social acceptance from hipsters. not only that but when i met him he had about 50 friends. now it's up to 170 something and i'd say 9 out of 10 are females that fit a definite type. i don't know. maybe i'm just jealous, but it's still creepy. i get nervous around people who so blantently are trying to be something they are not. or impress people who don't matter. you know?

no more correspondence with doug today. i'm done with that. it was fun to hear what was new, but that's a can of worms i need to stay away from.

*sigh* okay. enough with my never ending drama queen saga of a love life. time to get back to work.

i used to feel guilty about drinking so much? now i don't really. i'm sort of embracing my functional alcoholism. although i don't know how functional it is when i'm a total waste of space at work. yesterday was a fabulous day, but i paid for it today. it started out waking up so hungover from doing absolutely nothing the night before but enjoying my new condo. i woke up, puttered around around the place, i was supposed to meet kathy at 11 for brunch. she was running late though and i was feeling like major arse. so i ended up pouring a vodka diet ginger ale hair of the dog cocktail. i suck that down and she shows up at my place at 11:30ish. it was a beautiful day so we walked down to the pike place market for brunch at cafe campagne - this expensive french bistro. a croque madam, 1 mimosa, and 2 bloody mary's later, we made our way to anthropolgie. i bought the cutest summer dress. evah!!!

http://www.anthropologie.com/jump.jsp?itemID=16082&itemType=PRODUCT&iSubCat=2278&iMainCat=17

then we went to this cheesy mexican place in pacific place mall for margaritas (2 to be exact) and then tried on jeans at Nordstrom. I bought a pair of black pants, and a pair of Citzens.

kathy had to meet her sister for dinner, so then we walked back to my condo, said our good byes and i came in to mix up the strongest margarita in history. 2 uber strong margs later . . .a few emails back and forth with doug . . . i woke up so hungover. i was still drunk when i woke up actually. i was afraid to talk to my co-workers, but alas my boss just came back from hawaii and wanted to chat it up all morning. i really hope she couldn't tell that i was drunk from the night before. and then i proceeded to eat crap all day and be the least productive person in the whole company.

and then i skipped boot camp. my original intention was to go house shopping and buy a dvd player and maybe a bathmat and some towels - but no. i came home and parked it on my new couch and that's where i've been ever since.

tomorrow will be better. i'm going to attempt to go to bed super early tonight. less than two weeks to get down to my mid-goal!!!

oh right. in other news. so i was emailing with doug last night for the first time in a couple of months. him and my cousin broke up but they are still friends. and then he sent me this and told me it reminded him of me:



what is that supposed to mean? boys confuse me so much. but i was really actually glad to hear that something reminds him of me . . . i'd like to think that he misses me even though i know we will never be together again. i thought for 5 minutes about a bootie call (because he would be worth it, trust me!) but then kathy reminded me that he f*cked my cousin. oh right. i guess not then . . . *sigh* back to the drawing boards.

i knew i was going to drink the whole bottle. it was just one of those sort of moods. i was productive through the first half of the bottle - i got all my chores done (even laundry even though i didn't check it off). for the second half of the bottle i was going to settle in and watch transamerica. however, about a third of the way through the movie the dvd freaked out and i couldn't watch it. :( i tried everything to make it work and it just wouldn't. so instead i was a cyber stalker/drunken IM'er until 11PM. actually, not in that order. i was IM'ing with Luis for awhile because he's always good for a reboundish ego boost. he might have been drunk too, but i think we might get together when gets back from mexico in a week or so. i need help lifting my tv out of the box, so that is the pretense for our quarterly rendezvous. i haven't seen him since my birthday in february, so we're due. this is about the frequency that we get together - and it works just fine. we're pretty different people so i don't imagine we'd get along very well if we spent anymore time than that, or developed a relationship beyond occasional drunk texting/im'ing and smutty pictures. haha. . .

anyhow, after IM'ing for about an hour he had to get back to packing (he leaves this morning), so i continued my ongoing project of stalking ex-boyfriends, their new girlfriends, and/or their friends. i was a about a buttons push away from adding my ex-frank (my one and only long term serious relationship) as a friend on myspace, but caught myself at the last minute. even in my pinot noir soaked state, i knew there was no point. of course i spent a considerable amount of time stalking my most recent relationship distaster . . . pathetic. i didn't email anyone, so that's good.

my weight was down to 125 this morning! although i think a lot of that must have been dehydration. pinot noir - my new diet. ha! regardless, it felt good to see that on the scale and know that my moving stress induced chunk is slowly but surely melting away.

i didn't make it to the gym this morning. my bad.

time to work i suppose. i guess i came in this morning for a reason other than livejournal. :)