the ricotta sweet snacks recommended by the south beach diet book are GROSS! i just made one with vanilla extract, splenda, and cinnamon. low fat ricotta sort of has a weird gritty texture. it wasn't very good. i regret eating it. if i'm up on the scale tomorrow i'm going to blame that nasty concoction. well . . . maybe i will try another concoction, but regardless its not going to lose the gritty texture. blech.

i can't get over my meanness sometimes. i feel bad about it at least . . . i mean, i'm conscious of the fact that i'm mean. thats a step, right? i had just gotten done working out at the gym tonight and i was trying to walk out. there was this pretty blonde girl with some sort of poster board that you HAD to walk past in order to get out of there. she was there when i walked in and there when i left - it must be a pretty shitty job, you know? i don't even know what she was promoting. . . anyhow, she stopped me on my way out and asked if i had a good work out. then she asked if i knew about whatever was on the poster board - but before she could finish her thought she was distracted by my KEXP sweatshirt. and she was like "oh you listen to ke . .kexp . .k - e - x - p?" (sort of stuttering like). and in my head i was thinking "what a dumb question. why would i wear the sweatshirt if i didn't listen to the station? its not like i would run around town in a damn KISS 106 sweatshirt. ugh." so i kind of rolled my eyes and gave the poor girl with the shitty job smart ass "of course i do. i had to donate to get this sweatshirt. its my $250 hoody." i was so bitchy about it though. and then she said something to the effect of "well, its more interesting to talk about than what i'm selling." then i started to walk away as i said "rought night, huh" i just felt bad about it. its been bugging me ever since. i didn't have to be a bitch. oh well. too late now. live and learn, right?

on that note, i weighed 131 today! yay! another half pound down! i'm feeling uber motivated lately. i even got invited to an xmas party for tomorrow at some yacht club or something, and i turned it down! i am going to stick to this damn south beach diet if it kills me!

ok. so my plan tonight: write back some boys on match. i really don't want to. writing people on match is not nearly as fun when you are sober.

its only been like a year and a half. i'm not sure why i decided to get online and journal again. i just sort of felt like it. maybe its because i'm "dieting" again for the first time in ages . . . or maybe because i'm sober for the first time in ages. who knows.

anyhow, my weight got up to 134.5 and i snapped. not only is it high, but i'm carrying it differently. i'm not working out nearly as much as i used to be, which probably contributes to that. i tore my ACL last winter, and remotivating to run has not been easy. the most i've ran since my injury is 4 miles. sad. my body can do it- i just lost the drive. so then i find myself feeling old, lonely, and fat and i decided something had to be done. so i'm on the South Beach diet. its rough, man. i'm a boozer, and i LOVE to go out. right now all of my friends are having a dinner party and i'm at home. i didn't want to be tempted with carbs and wine . . . anyhow, i'm on day 5 and this morning i weighed 131.5!! 4 pounds in 5 days is not bad at all . . . and i really don't feel hungry at all. mostly i just crave crave crave those vietnamese sandwiches on the baguette, and WINE. oh wine. . . this is intense. i think this is the longest i've gone without wine in years.

so in other news, i've been dating online unsuccessfully since April. the first dude i met i really liked a lot . . . we dated for a couple of months and then he dumped me on my ass. since then there has been no one. two booty calls with an old standby. thats it. it makes me sad, but i've come to realize it has everything to do with me, and not the men . . . although i like to blame them. bed bug doug . . .F5 . . . whoever. i don't know what i want, and i'm not happy with myself - so how can i ever be happy with anyone else? now i've become so jaded that i don't allow anyone to get close to me. i push everyone away except for my closest friends. anyhow, i've always had a horrible mix of thinking i'm better than everyone else, but at the same time really hating myself. that is not a good mix - and it definitely doesn't add any points with the boyfriends. so i don't know . . .

well, in the end, now i know why i'm journaling again. i really need to look more closely at the daily events in my life. i need to think about them more critically. i need to see it in black and white. i can't live like this for another 30 years. i really just want to be happy, in love, content, and satisfied with my life. how journaling will help me with that, i'm not sure, but somehow i think its a step.

so this is day 1:

i've been having insomnia since i stopped drinking. not even valerian helps. i'm so tired all day but when i turn off the light my mind won't turn off. i start getting paranoid about stupid crap like if i'm going to be scheduled to work on xmas eve and things i said at a happy hour to coworkers 3 weeks ago. so i toss and i turn until past midnight. its frustrating. i was still dreaming when my alarm went off at 5:30. i hit snooze until 6:15 or so and then finally got up to pound some coffee. i was happy to see 131.5 on the scale, so that perked me up a bit.

work is boring. i'm still doing the same crap i've been doing for years. i'm in a rut and i need out - but its a bit difficult in this economy. seattle has been hit really hard lately so for the time being i'm trying to be grateful i still have a job at all.

so my homies are having wine and yummy foods tonight. i went to the gym after work and then went to the store to pick up a few groceries and materials to make a dream board thing (as seen on Oprah!). FUN! what an exciting life i'm leading at the moment. the way i'm seeing it though- is i'm just hibernating temporarily . its like i'm in a cocoon, and when i'm done with this period , i'll come out a beautiful butterfly ready to take on the world again.

on that note, i'm going eat a sugar free fudgecicle (sp?) and start flipping through magazines for the said "dream board project."

ciao.

soooooo . . . . after another fab week o' love with F5 (renamed this becuase he's like a fucking tornado that touchs down, creates mass destruction, and then takes off again) he has left the building again.

friday he emailed me to see if i wanted to make plans for the weekend. i responded that i'd like to make plans, and was free saturday or sunday. fast forward to saturday night, i still haven't heard from him. so i send him a text asking what the deal is . . . no response. i send another text saying that 'a lack of interest in making advance plans shows a lack of interest in the person.' no response. i send an email saying that i wasn't down with what was happening. it feels bad when people can't plan in advance with you because it feels like they are waiting for another offer. no response. then yesterday the shit hit the fan when i got extremely intoxicated with melissa and christine. christine left, melissa took it upon herself to call him. what? yes. she called F5. i don't know what she said, and i actually think she doesn't remember. so then F5 and I have had a bit of email conversation about it all . . . um. he's gone. sad. :( i really like him, but he's got problems. basically me putting him on the spot about making plans was me getting too serious for him. what? yes.

so i'm very sad. i really wanted to talk to him in person about it all. but he won't.

its so bizarre to me that you can have such great chemistry with someone that in the end its what tears you apart. for me it makes me a bit overzealous. for him it scares him because he's too jaded for anything meaningful.

in the meantime, i'm too scared to weigh myself because i feel like a hippo right now. i feel like a hippo yet really want to go eat something bad for me . . . don't you hate that when it happens?

we're going out tonight! rah! i feel so much better now . . .

yeah, i've been bad lately. not journaling like i'd hoped i would. i just got really busy all of a sudden and priorities changed etc... i became uber stressed about seeing nick again and was drinking too much and going through many o' beauty treatments.

the grand conclusion to all this was last night. the peter, bjorn, and john concert. i didn't see him there but we were texting the whole time.

and the next thing you know, he's back at my condo with me. what?

enough said. i'm thinking it was a mistake. i haven't seen him in 8 weeks and all of a sudden i'm ready to jump into bed? for the love of god, woman . . . . get a grip.

um. it was worth it. physically speaking. emotionally? i don't think it was a healthy step for me. i'm already feeling my anxiety levels rising. freaking out over food. want to to self-destruct. i need something/someone stable, and this dude is not it. gah! damn. stupid stupid stupid . . . and now suddenly feeling desperate after finally feeling fabulous. ugh.

oh well. what is done is done. you can't change the past and you can't predict the future, so i'm going to have to chill out about it, right?

weighed 125 this morning (hadn't yet pooped though!). today i didn't eat good, but didn't eat bad either. i'm not sure what's going to happen tomorrow. i'm planning a good long run . . . i'm planning lunch with my cousin . . . i'm planning to focus on work. what else can you do to try to avoid boy drama distractions?

it's funny that after my run and best buy shopping trip, i really didn't feel like drinking all that much. but somehow drank a bottle of voigner. wha? and then myspace messaged my ex boyfriend from grad school. whhaaa?? crap. i almost myspace'd nick as well but somehow managed to wrangle myself in on that one . . .

in good news, i weighed 123.5 today! heck yes! i was so excited to see that number on the scale that i tried on my size 4 express pants (that previously gave me muffin tops) and they totally fit! hurrah!! after boot camp tonight i'm supposed to meet christine for burgers and beer . . . i don't even want it right now. i don't want to see the scale go back up!

okay. lots of work to do today. i'd better get focused.

whoa what a difference it makes to not be hungover at work. i have stayed off IM all day and have been working double time until now to make up for yesterday. and then i just started to get frustrated and irritated by everyone and everything, and decided i needed a livejournal break.

eating has been on track today! i weighed in at 126 this morning (without pooping), and i was okay with that. of course, i'd rather it be going down, but for somereason i'm getting a lot of compliments lately. so maybe 125/126 is good for me. i'd much rather be at 120/121 though. tonight after work i'm going running around greenlake.

i also get my reward for not acting pathetic for one full week - my new digital camera! i'm going to go to best buy after my run and shop for cameras and a dvd player. yay!!

what else is new in the last 24 hours. i had a brief email correspondence with nick and came very close to telling him his new myspace image is creepy. no seriously, it has totally changed since i met him in march. if he messaged me now, i probably wouldn't reply because his page reeeeks of desperation for female attention and/or social acceptance from hipsters. not only that but when i met him he had about 50 friends. now it's up to 170 something and i'd say 9 out of 10 are females that fit a definite type. i don't know. maybe i'm just jealous, but it's still creepy. i get nervous around people who so blantently are trying to be something they are not. or impress people who don't matter. you know?

no more correspondence with doug today. i'm done with that. it was fun to hear what was new, but that's a can of worms i need to stay away from.

*sigh* okay. enough with my never ending drama queen saga of a love life. time to get back to work.

i used to feel guilty about drinking so much? now i don't really. i'm sort of embracing my functional alcoholism. although i don't know how functional it is when i'm a total waste of space at work. yesterday was a fabulous day, but i paid for it today. it started out waking up so hungover from doing absolutely nothing the night before but enjoying my new condo. i woke up, puttered around around the place, i was supposed to meet kathy at 11 for brunch. she was running late though and i was feeling like major arse. so i ended up pouring a vodka diet ginger ale hair of the dog cocktail. i suck that down and she shows up at my place at 11:30ish. it was a beautiful day so we walked down to the pike place market for brunch at cafe campagne - this expensive french bistro. a croque madam, 1 mimosa, and 2 bloody mary's later, we made our way to anthropolgie. i bought the cutest summer dress. evah!!!

http://www.anthropologie.com/jump.jsp?itemID=16082&itemType=PRODUCT&iSubCat=2278&iMainCat=17

then we went to this cheesy mexican place in pacific place mall for margaritas (2 to be exact) and then tried on jeans at Nordstrom. I bought a pair of black pants, and a pair of Citzens.

kathy had to meet her sister for dinner, so then we walked back to my condo, said our good byes and i came in to mix up the strongest margarita in history. 2 uber strong margs later . . .a few emails back and forth with doug . . . i woke up so hungover. i was still drunk when i woke up actually. i was afraid to talk to my co-workers, but alas my boss just came back from hawaii and wanted to chat it up all morning. i really hope she couldn't tell that i was drunk from the night before. and then i proceeded to eat crap all day and be the least productive person in the whole company.

and then i skipped boot camp. my original intention was to go house shopping and buy a dvd player and maybe a bathmat and some towels - but no. i came home and parked it on my new couch and that's where i've been ever since.

tomorrow will be better. i'm going to attempt to go to bed super early tonight. less than two weeks to get down to my mid-goal!!!

oh right. in other news. so i was emailing with doug last night for the first time in a couple of months. him and my cousin broke up but they are still friends. and then he sent me this and told me it reminded him of me:



what is that supposed to mean? boys confuse me so much. but i was really actually glad to hear that something reminds him of me . . . i'd like to think that he misses me even though i know we will never be together again. i thought for 5 minutes about a bootie call (because he would be worth it, trust me!) but then kathy reminded me that he f*cked my cousin. oh right. i guess not then . . . *sigh* back to the drawing boards.

i knew i was going to drink the whole bottle. it was just one of those sort of moods. i was productive through the first half of the bottle - i got all my chores done (even laundry even though i didn't check it off). for the second half of the bottle i was going to settle in and watch transamerica. however, about a third of the way through the movie the dvd freaked out and i couldn't watch it. :( i tried everything to make it work and it just wouldn't. so instead i was a cyber stalker/drunken IM'er until 11PM. actually, not in that order. i was IM'ing with Luis for awhile because he's always good for a reboundish ego boost. he might have been drunk too, but i think we might get together when gets back from mexico in a week or so. i need help lifting my tv out of the box, so that is the pretense for our quarterly rendezvous. i haven't seen him since my birthday in february, so we're due. this is about the frequency that we get together - and it works just fine. we're pretty different people so i don't imagine we'd get along very well if we spent anymore time than that, or developed a relationship beyond occasional drunk texting/im'ing and smutty pictures. haha. . .

anyhow, after IM'ing for about an hour he had to get back to packing (he leaves this morning), so i continued my ongoing project of stalking ex-boyfriends, their new girlfriends, and/or their friends. i was a about a buttons push away from adding my ex-frank (my one and only long term serious relationship) as a friend on myspace, but caught myself at the last minute. even in my pinot noir soaked state, i knew there was no point. of course i spent a considerable amount of time stalking my most recent relationship distaster . . . pathetic. i didn't email anyone, so that's good.

my weight was down to 125 this morning! although i think a lot of that must have been dehydration. pinot noir - my new diet. ha! regardless, it felt good to see that on the scale and know that my moving stress induced chunk is slowly but surely melting away.

i didn't make it to the gym this morning. my bad.

time to work i suppose. i guess i came in this morning for a reason other than livejournal. :)

so before i drink a bottle of wine and gorge myself on pita chips, i have to get some things done. the thing is, i have so many little random things to do that i don't know where to start. so i decided to start by making a list. i figure as a check them off they will feel more manageable.

(X) measure bedroom
(X) call sarah about bed/couch
(X) find check book
(X) pay bills
() laundry!
(X) pack gym bag for the morning
(X) pack lunch
(X) shovel cat box
(X) empty dishwasher
(x) load car with goodwill stuff

okay that doesn't seem so bad. i can get that all done, no prob.

my therapy session today was so so . . . we spent a lot of time talking about my inability to maintain relationships. the probelm really sits with the fact that i do everything in extremes - all or nothing all the time. so i tend to scare men off by being a little too intense a little too fast. i'm going to start working on practicing to (or pretending to be) aloof. that was the word of the day. move slow. get to know people. don't dive in head first. *sigh* it's easier said than done.

in good news, i found a couch on craigslist! i love it. it was new 6 months ago and cost $1200 - and she is selling it for $600. i love it! the problem is, i don't know how i'm going to get it from her condo to mine . . . i must resolve this problem as well.

on that note. i'm going to quit eating pita chips and start doing stuff.

UPDATE: HECK YES! I got everything done. Not nearly as painful as I thought it would be. I didn't unpack any boxes though. It wasn't on my list, but I knew that I should . . . oh well. I'm going to watch a movie on my lap top now since my TV isn't unpacked. Have I mentioned lately that I'm sick of moving?

i've lost my ability to wake up early in the mornings. i swear i could sleep forever. i think it's because i hate my job. i hate it so much that i don't even feel any stress (even though there should be a lot of it).

my weight was at 126.5 today. i didn't expect to lose anything. after boot camp i met my ex-roommate christine and her regular trashy haunt. i had a blackened cod burger w/fries and a couple of drinks. so i knew the scale wouldn't be kind to me . . .

today i have therapy and i need it. i've been so down lately. moving stress, job hate, relationship failures. sigh.

if i have any energy at all after work i plan on going to the gym. i'm so tired right now though that i'm doubtful i'll make it. . . and i forgot my socks. i think i might be better off just going home to unpack a couple of boxes, do laundry, shovel the cat box, and pick up a little. we'll see. i don't plan on working out tomorrow though, so i really should go tonight. must get down to 121 by May 13th!!!!

it feels good to be back to my old habits of plain yogurt with kashi go lean everyday, tons of la tortilla factory wraps, and tons of veggies. i just feel better about everything when my eating is so regulated and controlled. i will admit, i'm still drinking too much - but at least i'm logging it, right?

anyhow, i was down to 126 today. yaay! 3.5 more pounds and i'll be back to my pre-moving stress weight of 122.5. i have a new goal though: 121 by May 13th. of course, lower than that would be even better, but i'll take 121. May 13th is the Peter, Bjorn, and John concert and i know nick will be there. i'm guessing it will be the first time i see him since our sunday of smitteness on march 18th. so sad . . . so i want to be lookin' hot. i also scheduled a hair appt for the 11th! ha!

last night i ran 3 tired sore miles. i decided not to shop because i figured that would just depress me more. i need to lose another couple of pounds first. tonight i have boot camp. tomorrow i want to run 4. on saturday i'm thinking about running 6 (maybe, i might just go to the gym instead). last saturday a 26 year old woman out for a run was hit by a car and killed. the driver was 16. so sad!

they are doing construction in my office and it happens to be right above my head. this is so annoying. no literally, the dude is drilling into the wall right next to me and drizzling me with construction dust. if this keeps up, i may have to move my lap top and find another place to work.

in most aspects.

my weight was down to 126.5 this morning (and i hadn't even pooped!), so that is a big improvement over the 129 of monday. its still not good though. yesterday i was sooo good with my food all day and worked out really hard at boot camp. today i plan on being equally good, but i might not work out. i hate all my clothes and i sort of want to go shopping after work instead. we'll see . . .

as far as work goes, i'm dealing with it. making plans for my future helps me cope. i've been researching becoming an esthetician (sp?) and took some big steps yesterday by calling a program. i still have one more to call today. it's a 19 week/700 course for $8k (yikes!). i just hate the corporate world sooooo badly. i really want to make a drastic change in my life.

what else . . . nick never responded to my last email (sent sunday morning). i've finally come to terms with the fact that i'm closing that book for good. i won't find anyone else until i stop pining over him, so goodbye nick!! it makes me sad, of course, but what else can you do, right?

better get back to work . . . i hate my job.

the situation is worse than i thought. i finally unpacked my scale and i weigh 129. one month ago i was 122.5!! aaaccckk!! i almost started crying. so here is the plan:

- daily weigh-in
- count every calorie
- exercise everyday but friday

this is so unacceptable! no wonder my favorite shirt wouldn't fit yesterday. :(

so it's 9:12 AM on a monday morning, and i'm sitting at my table eating my kashi golean and journaling. i should be at work. my alarm went off at 5 AM this morning and i had two thoughts: (1) i'm hungover, and (2) i hate my job and i hate my life and i don't want to go anymore. so i emailed a couple co-workers (my boss is out of town) and told them that i had been up all night with an upset stomach and would either be late, or not in at all depending on how the situation progressed. then i got up, took 2 canadian aspirins, and went back to bed.

i woke up the second time around 8 AM feeling so unbelievably depressed. i didn't want to get out of bed. i layed there for awhile weighing my options of things i need to accomplish or do:

1) go to the drivers license place and change my address
2) go to the blinds place and price blinds
3) go to the closet place and price closets
4) get up and go to work

the problem is, i don't really feel like doing any of that. playing hooky would be a lot more fun if i had someone to play hooky with. now i'm sitting around in my ghetto-fab hardly furnished condo feeling horrible and lonely - just like i felt all day yesterday. yesterday was a pretty stupid day.

it started well enough. i woke up at around 7:30 (hangover free!), had some herring for breakfast (i don't have any food still), got up and ready, went to bed bath and beyond, and then came home to organize and put things away. at noon i went down to the sodo area to check out the kasala outlet/warehouse. i found nothing there so i decided to check out dania for furniture. there was one on western (closer but i don't know exactly where it is) and one on roosevelt. i decide to try to find the one on western and the next thing you know i'm all the way across eff'ing seattle trying to make my to the roosevelt one. basically, because i'm an idiot i spent an hour getting someplace that should have taken 15 minutes. pointless frustrating driving on earth day nonetheless! i spent a fair bit of time at dania and found two couches i'm debating between. then i went to whole foods and blew $80 on groceries.

when i came home i started drinking and putting things away. i'm just so bored with unpacking and organizing. my condo is so tiny and it's such a pain to try to find places to put things. argh. around 6 something my old roommate called me and asked me if i wanted to come over to grill. so i went over, drank more, chain smoked (i must quit soon!), and ate a hot dog. we both talked about how depressed we have been . . . neither one of us realized how dependent we were on each other. and neither of us is adjusting well to being basically alone all the time. well, she has a roommate, but her roommate doesn't interact with her like we used to.

anyway, i went to bed totally wasted around 10 after being a cyber stalker for a little while. the cyber stalking has got to stop. i'm making myself miserable. i also have to stop emailing him. it's really getting borderline pathetic. i should make that a goal for the week . . . don't look at his myspace/vox or any of his friends myspace/vox/livejournals for the rest of the week! this is the problem with the internet. like, even when someone isn't really talking to you, you still have so much acess to their lives and what is going on. so in my case, i'm convinced he is dating someone now, and it's making me sad.

sooo . . . goals for the week:

1) don't be a cyber stalker
2) don't smoke
3) count your calories
4) don't drink on mon, tues, or thurs.

moving things to get done:

1) change address w/car title and drivers license
2) make a decision on couches
3) make an appt with the closet people

on that note, i'm going to drag my depressed ass to the shower. i don't want to. i don't want to do anything, but i'm hoping it will make me feel better.

oh and i must add! for the past month or so i've been reading my horoscope on my google homepage. i usually never believe in horoscopes, but it is always spot on! check out today's, it totally sums up my life at the moment.

Your emotional anxiety may come to the surface, for you cannot pin down the most sensible course of action in your love life. Although romance can be exciting now, it's also quite unsettling -- and you might not be ready to sacrifice your peace of mind for a bit of pleasure. Remember, the current situation is in flux and the stress won't last long.

so this is basically what kept me from writing nick another big f-you email because i'm waiting for my anxiety to clear first. my planets are all wonky right now, and everything will be better soon . . . i just wish the planets would move a little faster!!

my move has been so emotionally and physically draining. i don't even know how much i can write about it. i'm just too tired! basically i spent the whole weekend drinking heavily, sobbing, cleaning, and sending drunk text messages to nick. i was a total whack job. i never realized how painful it could be to leave a house that you love. i guess the tears really started on sunday - my last day there. i had a bunch of people over for easter supper - and my house's last supper. it was loads of fun. tatiana and i started out drinking tall boys of rainer beer on the front steps and cooking (yes, the easter bunny among some other things). then other people started to show up and the champagne and wine got cracked out. i got drunk, we all had fun, and then everyone went home. kathy left with my microwave and my cats. and then i just sat in the empty living room and cried and cried and cried. and that was when the drunk texting with nick started. it was pretty hateful. well, he basically stood me up on saturday. and when i was already an emotional wreck from packing and cleaning up the last 2.5 years of my life - i just wasn't able to cope. so i woke up at 4 AM on monday morning with a massive social hangover and totally depressed. i ended up deleting him from my myspace.

the movers showed up at about 9 AM and i did every thing possible not to cry in front of them.

by noon i was back at my greenlake house cleaning and loading up some odds and ends. christine showed up to help. all was well, busy body cleaning fest, until the end. i just kept looking at the end of an era, you know? it was really - for all the ups and downs - such a great 2.5 years and such a great house and a pretty damn good roommate situation.



me saying good bye to my house. it's getting torn down in just a week or so . . . such an awesome house too. i never knew i could be so attached to a damn house!

anyhow, my mom helps me unload the our cars into "my" new condo. i say "my" because it isn't mine. mine isn't done and won't close until friday. so in the meantime i'm camping out in some other condo in the same building. it's not fun because i can't unpack and organize. i'm living out of boxes, the bathroom has no shower curtain, it's all dusty with construction dust. i got up at 4 this morning to work out just so i could have a shower. oh tangent . . . so my mom is annoying me to death because there is NOTHING we can do in the condo and all i want to do is be alone and sulk. she finally leaves, and i spend the afternoon walking around my new hood.

i've never lived in this part of town before. i'm in a neighborhood of seattle called 1st hill. its where all the hospitals are, so basically i'm surrounded by hospitals, crazy people, and crack heads. it's not a really a safe neighborhood. my condo is really really nice, but the building next to me is section 8 housing i think. and everyone around here seems to be drunk or on drugs. it is rad that i am literally a couple blocks from downtown seattle. so that's where i went walking yesterday. i can walk to the waterfront, to our historic neighborhood - pioneer square - i can walk to chinatown, i can walk to the football & baseball stadiums. it's pretty rad from that perspective. yesterday was sunny too - so it was quite nice to be walking in such an urban environment and thinking "yay! this is actually where i live!"

today i was exhausted at work, so i opted not to go shopping at bed bath and beyond etc . . . instead i came home. to be alone. in "my" condo full of boxes. i ate leftovers from last night, drank a glass of wine, looked at furniture online. my old roommate called me to see how i handled my first night in a new place, and my first evening coming home alone.

i'm not going to lie, i am really depressed. this is all been so much harder than i expected. i think it would be better if i could actually unpack, get organized and feel at home - but i can't. not until this weekend at least. this weekend i have a few friends coming over saturday morning to help me move into my own condo. then i think tatiana is going to spend most of the weekend hanging with me and helping me run errands etc.

meanwhile, nick emailed me monday. he said basically my feelings were loud and clear - and based on my nasty text messages he sort of knew he would be de-myspaced. although he also said 'i still think you are fab.' so i wrote him back and said basically that i thought he was fab too, which is why this weekend upset me so much. it really fucking hurt that he forgot he was supposed to stop by on saturday. wtf? if i'm such the bee's knees, why wouldn't he show? well. anyway. at 5 AM on the elliptical i was thinking about him and thought, i just need to see him again and get it over with. i need to end this insanity because the longer we go with this weirdness, the weirder and sadder it will get. so . . . apparently we are getting together on thursday. i told him he had to plan it and we had to go out and actually do something - not just sit around and 'hang out'. so we'll see what happens . . .since we agreed on thursday and i told him he had to plan it, i haven't heard back from him. ugh. i hate boys.

so there is the snapshot of my last few days of chaos, saddness, and frustration. i know things are on the up and up though . . . i'll feel better when i'm in my own place. and i'm also hoping that seeing nick in person will resolve some issues as well. *sigh*

i really can't believe that i'm closing on my first condo and moving in a week. reality is soooo setting in. i spent all day today packing and hauling crap to the storage unit my mom rented. it was actually a pretty fun day. i woke up early with the hopes of running, but my calves were way too sore from skiing. so instead i organized galore until kevin called me to tell me he was up and moving. he made it over to my place around 11 AM to help me load stuff up into my car. after the most fun trip to a storage unit ever - kevin is always good for a laugh - we went to the wing dome to use the gift certificate my co-worker had bought me for my birthday in february. hot wings, nasty fries, ribs, and beer later - ugh. fortunately that is about all i ate today. except for the mimosa's i was sipping while i packed (post-wing dome). now it's almost 9, and i am really not looking forward to another week of work. i used to like going to work only because i had so much fun with my co-workers - and now i can't stand it. i don't sit near them anymore and the woman i do sit next to makes me insane. i have pms and i don't think i can cope with moving, closing on a mortgage, the stress of work and dealing with her all at once. for the first time in a long time, i actually wished that nick was still in the picture. at least when he was around, no matter how stressed i got - i was still giddy about him. bah! how do we go about channeling that sort of emotion with out the boy? positive thought . . . positive thought . . .

btw, skiing with the girls on saturday was awesome. well the conditions weren't so good, but we had so much fun. i feel so fortunate to have such rad girlfriends who love all the same things i do. so regardless of giddy boy feelings, i will always have them. positive thought . . . positive thought . . .

i was so amazingly hungover today. it wasn't funny. i was such a waste of space at work. anyhow, last night tinker had to cancel so i ended up going over to christine's (former roomie) new place to check it out. the night started with 2 glasses of pinot grigio on an empty stomach. then we went to this dive bar down the street for burgers. i had a cajun chicken burger and 2 glasses of chardonnay.

then i came home and thought it was a really good idea to work on this 3/4 full bottle of cabernet. i start IM'ing with luis - i don't know if you all remember him, but he was a dude i sort of hung out with a long time ago and we occasionally get together every few months (usually when he has just broken up with his off and on again girlfriend). the last time we hung out was right after my birthday and we ended up hooking up for the first time in a year and half of knowing each other. i haven't seen him since. . . but we IM sometimes. so i'm all drunk and being a bit slutty w/ the IMs. he tells me that i should post dirtier pictures on my myspace . . . so what do i do? i put on fancy undies and took sexy picture of myself with my camera phone - THEY WERE SO FUCKING HOT!!! i wish i could post them here, because i look soooooo fabulous. i could not believe that was my body! i'm like - whoa! who is that?! of course i don't post them on myspace - but i do text them to luis! hahaa. omfg. i cannot believe i did that. but i was just damn proud of how they came out! so then a pack of cigarettes later and the wine bottle is empty . . . hence the massive hangover! i basically had 2 bottles of wine probably. damn.

so all day today i've been feeding my hangover. not good. i definitely don't feel sexy now . . . i ate:

- starbucks bacon egg and cheese sandwich
- a can of regular coke
- a morningstar vegan patty
- a handful of peanut m & m's
- a taco salad
- a small slice of pizza
- half of a bag of swedish fish
- a few bites of hearts of palm bruchetta topping
- two spoonfuls of peanut butter
- a few pieces of pickled herring
- 2 heinekens

UGH!! i feel so bloated and nasty. this adds up to more calories than i usually eat in 2 days and more sugar than i usually eat in a week. adding to this lovely feeling - i'm starting my period in a day or two. fun!

i was supposed to go to happy hour tonight with kathy and my stalker, but i ended up canceling because (1) i was hungover and (2) i really just needed to stay home and pack. i decided to blow off packing tomorrow for a final day of skiing. sunday, my friend kevin is going to help me move a bunch of my stuff into storage for my mom - and so i really needed to just chill at home and get stuff together for the storage unit.

skiing will make me feel un-bloated for sure though! i'm so excited to go down with 3 of my girls. and the best part is we are going for free! my sister gave us all free passes! yay!

oh what else . . . another day not emailing nick. feels so liberating! i did send him a light and silly myspace comment though - but only because he sent me a picture comment first. tatiana agreed, that i don't want him to think that i hate him, but i do want him to think i'm not pining over him. so the best option was to do the above instead of just ignoring his comment. it's the proper myspace etiquette thing to do, right?

okay then! on to reading my new cooking light!

Keep It Together! that was the joke between me and my friend Gigi tonight at boot camp. and it's my new motto! after a really great night of sleep last night, i was spunky, rejuvenated, and had a whole new outlook on my life. i decided to plunge into my boss' world of 'positive thought.' i'm trying to catch myself every time and i think or say something along the lines of "my relationships always fail" or "i can't stop eating too much." no more negatives. I just remind myself to keep it together - and realize that all my relationships WILL fail if I keep thinking that. When I meet the right person, my relationship will NOT fail, so I need to stop being so pessimistic about my love life. Because if nothing else, I'm still attractive to men apparently - because I never have a problem getting a date (they just tend not to last long). I think this will be the topic of my therapy session tomorrow. KIT, yo!

Boot Camp rocked tonight. I felt so strong. I knocked 30 seconds off my "triangle" run - when we did short sprints up I was on the heels of the fastest girls. I think there might be something to this positive thought thing . . . I also realized tonight (while running hella fast around the triangle) that I weigh 10 pounds less than I did at the start of the last two years of boot camps. I'm gonna get tight if I keep this up!! Heck yes! I just feel like a totally different person than I did yesterday. It's crazy . . .

As for eating, it's been a bit weird lately. I'm trying to use up all the random odds and ends in my house, which doesn't make for the best diet. At the moment, I don't care though. I'm not overeating. I'm not binging. I'm not eating when I'm not hungry. So as long as I'm not doing any of those three, I can eat what I want (so that I don't waste everything). Tonight (for the second night) I had whole wheat pasta w/ Trader Joe's Hearts of Palm Bruchetta topping, tomato, parmesan cheese, and grilled chicken. It's really good, but not as calorie friendly as I would normally eat after a boot camp. For lunch I had leftovers from Monday - half of a grilled cod burrito w/hot sauce and ff sour cream. Breakfast was regular oatmeal w/ splenda. The only things extra I snacked on was a handful of peanut M & M's and a little pit of pickled herring (weird, I know, but I like it.)

I weighed 125 this morning - 1 pound less than yesterday, but still 3 pounds more than I was 2 weeks ago. My new lululemon pants give me muffin tops now . . .

Tomorrow night I'm going out with this dude that I . . .erhhem . . . slept with a few times last November. I was rebounding from my first breakup with Doug. So yeah. . . we haven't seen each other since then, but we're going out for drinks after work tomorrow. NOTHING is going to happen. I'm confident of that. I'm really not interested in him. It will be interesting to see him again though after so many months . . . I'm also looking forward to male attention, or just hanging out with straight men, after all this Nick drama.

Speaking of Nick. It's my goal not to email or text him again. If he wants to see me again, he can contact me, right? He emailed me today at work, and I was half tempted to write him back and then I just said "No. K.I.T., yo!" Oh so I did send him a brief text on my way home from work. The email was long, but at one point he had asked if tickets had gone on sale for a specific show. So rather than email him back I just texted him and said "tickets have been on sale for a long time." and that was it. and that will be it. and I'm thinking it will be easier than I thought to not communicate with him.

Positive thought . . .positive thought . . . I like this!