Current mood:

morose

i'm surprised i could even remember my user name . . .
its only been like a year and a half. i'm not sure why i decided to get online and journal again. i just sort of felt like it. maybe its because i'm "dieting" again for the first time in ages . . . or maybe because i'm sober for the first time in ages. who knows.

anyhow, my weight got up to 134.5 and i snapped. not only is it high, but i'm carrying it differently. i'm not working out nearly as much as i used to be, which probably contributes to that. i tore my ACL last winter, and remotivating to run has not been easy. the most i've ran since my injury is 4 miles. sad. my body can do it- i just lost the drive. so then i find myself feeling old, lonely, and fat and i decided something had to be done. so i'm on the South Beach diet. its rough, man. i'm a boozer, and i LOVE to go out. right now all of my friends are having a dinner party and i'm at home. i didn't want to be tempted with carbs and wine . . . anyhow, i'm on day 5 and this morning i weighed 131.5!! 4 pounds in 5 days is not bad at all . . . and i really don't feel hungry at all. mostly i just crave crave crave those vietnamese sandwiches on the baguette, and WINE. oh wine. . . this is intense. i think this is the longest i've gone without wine in years.

so in other news, i've been dating online unsuccessfully since April. the first dude i met i really liked a lot . . . we dated for a couple of months and then he dumped me on my ass. since then there has been no one. two booty calls with an old standby. thats it. it makes me sad, but i've come to realize it has everything to do with me, and not the men . . . although i like to blame them. bed bug doug . . .F5 . . . whoever. i don't know what i want, and i'm not happy with myself - so how can i ever be happy with anyone else? now i've become so jaded that i don't allow anyone to get close to me. i push everyone away except for my closest friends. anyhow, i've always had a horrible mix of thinking i'm better than everyone else, but at the same time really hating myself. that is not a good mix - and it definitely doesn't add any points with the boyfriends. so i don't know . . .

well, in the end, now i know why i'm journaling again. i really need to look more closely at the daily events in my life. i need to think about them more critically. i need to see it in black and white. i can't live like this for another 30 years. i really just want to be happy, in love, content, and satisfied with my life. how journaling will help me with that, i'm not sure, but somehow i think its a step.

so this is day 1:

i've been having insomnia since i stopped drinking. not even valerian helps. i'm so tired all day but when i turn off the light my mind won't turn off. i start getting paranoid about stupid crap like if i'm going to be scheduled to work on xmas eve and things i said at a happy hour to coworkers 3 weeks ago. so i toss and i turn until past midnight. its frustrating. i was still dreaming when my alarm went off at 5:30. i hit snooze until 6:15 or so and then finally got up to pound some coffee. i was happy to see 131.5 on the scale, so that perked me up a bit.

work is boring. i'm still doing the same crap i've been doing for years. i'm in a rut and i need out - but its a bit difficult in this economy. seattle has been hit really hard lately so for the time being i'm trying to be grateful i still have a job at all.

so my homies are having wine and yummy foods tonight. i went to the gym after work and then went to the store to pick up a few groceries and materials to make a dream board thing (as seen on Oprah!). FUN! what an exciting life i'm leading at the moment. the way i'm seeing it though- is i'm just hibernating temporarily . its like i'm in a cocoon, and when i'm done with this period , i'll come out a beautiful butterfly ready to take on the world again.

on that note, i'm going eat a sugar free fudgecicle (sp?) and start flipping through magazines for the said "dream board project."

ciao.